Have you ever wondered what other teens think about Judaism and sexuality? What a Jewish educator thinks about teaching Jewish sexual ethics? Us too! That’s why we’re reprinting the following essays—one from an educator and four from teens and young adults like you—which originally appeared recently in our sister publication Sh’ma. Read on, and then feel free to share your opinions on our discussion board.

Teaching Jewish Sexual Ethics
Danya Ruttenberg

Some years ago, I taught several classes on Jewish sexual ethics to teenagers. Each time, I’d start the semester by asking students to tell me about “kosher sex.” The students would immediately come forth with a list of impressions of traditional Judaism, some more accurate than others: “you can’t do it when you have your period,” “you can’t have sex until you’re married,” “you have to have sex through a hole in a sheet,” “you can’t be gay,” and so forth. The growing list on the blackboard comprised almost entirely limitations and prohibitions. Certainly, there are important limits worth discussing in any conversation about sex, but teenagers—or anyone, really—seeking to understand themselves, human relationships, and their burgeoning sexuality, need something more than just a bunch of “don’ts.”

After the first round of brainstorming, I asked my students to define “kosher sex” according to their own values and sensibilities. Suddenly, the list would get more interesting: respect and communication were seen as important as safe sex, sober sex, and emotional commitment. They emphasized the importance of consent, caring and clarity.

Many of the ideas that my students articulated are Jewish values, even if they weren’t labeled as such. Of course, Judaism demands consent and teaches respect, and many rabbis encourage condom use under the rubric of pikuach nefesh (saving a life). (This principle should be regarded as a baseline when we consider the messages we send regarding same-sex relationships, given that about a third of queer youth attempt suicide.) The importance of caring for oneself and others lies at the heart of our sacred texts.

Even otherwise liberal people often fear that speaking frankly about sexuality, in all of its messy complexity, will encourage young adults to become sexually active—but this is unrealistic. Young adults in America are having sex at younger ages, irrespective of patently ineffective “abstinence education.” (It should also be noted that students who take pledges of abstinence are more likely to forego condoms and contraception when they do become sexually active—an average of only eighteen months after taking said pledges.) If anything, teaching Jewish teenagers about the importance of mutuality, respect for self and others, and about the sacred nature of intimate connections will help them to make decisions that are not born out of insecurity, peer pressure, or even, perhaps, hormones detached from the heart.

There are myriad Jewish texts that can help us talk about Jewish sexual ethics in a way that cuts to the heart of the enterprise of loving: The Song of Songs tells us about embodiment, sensuality, and reciprocity. Martin Buber’s I-Thou helps us learn not only how to see the “other” and how not to exploit, but how to understand that the “I” of the equation is just as worthy of consideration and respect. Kabbalistic literature invites us to consider the ways in which our sexuality could be a path to union with the Divine, and the Torah portion Kedoshim teaches that becoming holy means using our sexuality with great care. Even concepts that might not be relevant in contemporary praxis can prove fertile ground; after all, if the mishnah in the talmudic tractate Kiddushin suggests that a couple can be betrothed through the sex act, what does that tell us about the kinds of lasting, complicated bonds that are created when we come together?

Of course, teaching about the specifics of Judaism and sex can also be instructive and help us pass on our tradition even as we challenge the sexism or homophobia within it.

Danya Ruttenberg is in her last year of rabbinical school at the Zeigler School of American Jewish University in Los Angeles. Editor of Yentl’s Revenge: The Next Wave of Jewish Feminism (Seal Press) and a forthcoming anthology on Judaism and sexuality (NYU Press, 2009), she is the author of the forthcoming Surprised by God: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Religion (Beacon Press, 2008).

Teach Values First
David Silverstein

Jewish teens learn their religion’s take on sexual ethics by amassing a laundry list of vague “don’ts” through a grapevine of rabbis, fearful parents, and sometimes unprepared youth educators. Though I agree with Ruttenberg about speaking frankly with teens about sexuality, Jewish sexual ethics should be addressed only once teens have a clear foundation of the overarching and related importance of perpetuating Jewish survival through dating, marriage, and family life. As a young man in college, rarely do Jewish sexual ethics cross my mind when I make my decisions. Rather, I am influenced by the values that my parents, youth educators, and mentors instilled in me: that I represent the Jewish people, that I am a key to their survival and future.

We need to know, and teach, the crucial cultural and spiritual benefits of creating and maintaining Jewish relationships. Before discussing Judaism’s stand on safe sex, parents need to discuss with their bar or bat mitzvah aged teen the values of maintaining the Jewish people.
David Silverstein, a senior at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, was Programming Vice President for the North American Federation of Temple Youth (NFTY) 2004-2005. Former faculty member at the URJ Kutz Camp and counselor at the URJ Eisner Camp for Living Judaism, he is a contributor to A Dream of Zion (Jewish Lights).

You Shall be Holy
Jillian Cogan

Growing up in a strong Reform Jewish community and attending a Jewish summer camp provided teachers, counselors, and educators that were open and willing to answer all questions. The concept of “kosher sex” never entered the minds of my fellow religious schoolmates or camp friends, though, until high school. One situation sticks out in my mind: During our last summer as campers at URJ Camp Harlam, we had the choice of what classes to take, and one of the topics was Jewish sexual ethics. What my friends and I discovered was similar to what Danya Ruttenberg describes in her essay: a list of “don’ts” instead of what Judaism actually says about having a healthy relationship. It was during this session that we learned about Judaism’s different texts and stances on sexuality.

My camp encounter with Jewish sexual ethics was a key moment in formulating my personal belief system. At the 2005 URJ Biennial, I heard Rabbi Eric Yoffie’s sermon where he addressed the problems with sexual ethics and education within Judaism. As he put it, “The guiding principle of sexuality in the Jewish tradition is k’doshim tih’yu, ‘You shall be holy,’ which means that sexuality is linked to blessing, commandment, and God.” After listening intently to the sermon I became more aware of how Judaism speaks about sexuality.

Today, the Reform movement is beginning to educate children (beginning with bar/bat mitzvah preparation) on Jewish sexual ethics. This initiative will offer a new generation of young Jews a more stable set of values. I applaud Danya’s suggestion—“We only have to be brave enough to proclaim that this, too, is Torah, and to be willing to discuss Jewish sexuality with the frankness and fearlessness that it deserves”—because it’s important to explore sexual ethics as a teen in order to solidify a set of values that one can carry on throughout life.

Jillian Cogan, from Cherry Hill, N.J., is a freshman at Indiana University in Bloomington. She served two years as the Religious and Cultural VP of NFTY-PAR. In her spare time, she plays guitar and watches Entourage with her friends. She’s also a member of the JVibe Teen Advisory Board.

Developing a Personal Code
Shelley Halman

Though I believe that sex belongs in marriage, I know all people don’t feel that way. Judaism has helped me understand that my body is mine, and just like tattoos and piercings make a body impure, so does pre-marital sex—at least for me.

I agree with Danya’s students when they speak about the emotional ramifications of sex. It complicates everything. Abstinence-only sex education, which is supported by many of today’s politicians, is definitely not the way to go. Teenagers especially need to be aware of options available to them, seeing as most of them will not choose abstinence.

The ethics around sex continue to change. My generation generally views pre-marital sex as no big deal. My parents’ generation, as baby boomers, was split: some were conservative while others, “hippies,” experimented with sex and drugs. Now, all of those “hippies” are parents who are watching their children make their own choices. Sexual ethics go back and forth across generations.

While the Torah outlines specific sexual behaviors, as individuals we must develop our personal moral code. And no matter what code we adopt, we still have the laws of Judaism that we choose to follow or not.

Shelley Halman, a senior at Jackson High School in Jackson, Miss., hopes to attend Syracuse University next year as a student in its music business program. She’s also a member of the JVibe Teen Advisory Board.

Talking About Sex
Ben Tepfer

In the course of my four years at a Jewish high school, there is one Jewish lesson about sexuality that has been constant: sex between a man and a woman unites the couple in marriage. According to that dictum, I have numerous high school friends who are “married” to several people. Look today at the youth as a whole; we are constantly being bombarded with sex in music, television and the news.

But we also have the Tanakh, which teaches that sex is a holy act. In the Song of Songs, King David writes some of the most erotic poems that I have ever read in my studies in any subject. This is not to say that the Tanakh preaches fornication to lascivious teenagers, but rather describes sex as a most beautiful aspect of love. At least, that is the message I’ve received.

As beautiful as these ideals are, though, teenagers hardly take them into account when figuring out their own responses to sexual ethics and behavior. The big problem with teenage sexuality is that everyone is so afraid to talk about it. Rather than avoiding talk about sex, parents should focus on sexual responsibility and devotion; these are the true sexual ethics of the Tanakh. While some of my friends swear that they will wait until marriage to have sex, for others sex is just another thing to do. I fall somewhere in between. I am certainly not going to wait until marriage because I believe in passion and I feel that nothing should hold me back. Of course, I am only seventeen years old so one might ask: What do I know of love? Maybe not as much as someone older, but I know I think about my actions and recognize the beauty of a love that transcends the physical into something close to divine.

Ben Tepfer, a senior at Gann Academy in Waltham, Mass., enjoys playing guitar, participating in USY events, making films, and doing community service. He’s also a member of the JVibe Teen Advisory Board.